Over the past year I feel like I have had a lot of growth. I think to myself “is this a “almost” 40 thing?” who knows? All in all, it’s good growth. I feel as if I am coming to know WHO I am. That has taken me a long time. I have always been different and been okay with that but felt as if I needed to fit in somewhere. Today I just feel like ME. Like I can just be the girl who hangs out and if you want to come hang out too then cool. If not, then that’s cool too. No ill feelings, well at least not on my part. I am seeing in myself that I don’t need to make everyone happy and I don’t need to say yes to everything. That is the most freeing thing I have ever felt. I am doing me, and it feels so good.
I have not always been the most confident human in the room. My husband will tell me that I’m beautiful and mushy stuff, but I would never listen. I guess one could say I did not know how to take a complement. I was my own worst critic. Not only on my appearance but on everything. I would force myself to say, “Thank you” when deep inside of my body I was telling myself “why, why, can’t they just stop saying these things, and just get on with the day.” Now, I Know I am not the only human in this world that has ever felt these kinds of feelings. I also know it is very hard to overcome. Like a fear of water. It’s a strange fear. A fear that is unexplainable. I can’t even tell you when it began. But I can tell you that today I no longer have that fear. I can take a compliment, it doesn’t weird me out and make me feel so uncomfortable that I want to run for the hills.
Two years ago, a friend of mine posted online that she was going to start hosting an online bible study. “umm ok, last bible study I attended I felt so judged and out of place I wanted to crawl under a table” but since this was online no one could see me or hear me to judge me. So, I decided to give it a shot. I started the bible study about three weeks later and literally everything was online. This was a 6-week bible study, so I was committing to 6 weeks of reading my bible and writing in my journal. I had a journal that I kept my notes in and my girlfriend would post conversations online and others would conversate and I could just read and participate like that. It was great. I LOVED this bible study. Not only for the security that it gave me, but the actual bible study was good. It made me want to conversate. I never did. But I always read what was being talked about and checked it about 2-3 times a day to see what was going on if anything. I kind of felt like it was my safe place. The 6-weeks was up, and I felt so good. So energized. I wanted more. I wanted to share what I had learned. I contacted my friend and asked “are you going to do another one?” She said yes, there is a 2-week break and then we start a new study. I was ecstatic. I had never felt the feeling I was feeling. My fears were slowly disappearing, and I was becoming a more confident human. I could feel my mindset changing. I wanted more. My girlfriend got busy and could not host any longer, so she gave all of her followers the information they needed to continue their journey. I of course took the information and continued, and I have grown so much spiritually that it has changed me. In a good way. Not who I am but my way of thinking and going about things.
Till next time xoxox
Cris
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